Oh hello you gorgeous boys and girls
I’m a foolish foolish individual.
After two warnings, I’ve been done for swearing too much. My usual ad service has informed me that my consistent use of profanity is detrimental to their capitalistic ambitions and is therefore devastating to my own non-existent bottom line.
I bet they don’t even read this blog, it has to be the analytics.
This is exactly why I don’t want to use external advertisers. In my ideal scenario, I’d rather get more patrons so that I can say wherever I want.
Even that tiny rant had me backspace all kinds of explicit words. I probably won’t get ads for this one.
Ah well, it is what it is I guess.
What a strange week I’ve had lads.
The last time I was unemployed was when I was 17 years old. It’s really weird, I have all this free time and I’m choosing to do some really ridiculous shit.
This week I have helped paint a motorcycle, I’ve watched the 2019 Rugby World Cup Final, I’ve practiced doing wheelies in a carpark and I have learned to play 4 songs on guitar. It’s only Wednesday as I type this.
I don’t miss work as such, but I do miss the narrative of waking up and coming home from work. My day feels unfulfilled even though I am doing seemingly fulfilling things.
I have also decided to officially stop talking about Coronavirus, I was listening to my favourite Podcast today, and he was referring to the Coronavirus as the Goblin of Strange and Uncertain times. I will do the same.
However it has been exciting though. I’m enjoying applying for the plethora of jobs that are outside of my field. It forces me to research what those jobs entail and I’m finding out so much about different industries.
I’ve also had few online video interviews which I’m getting used to and I’ve also had one face to face interview with an amazing person, whom otherwise I would not have met. Pretty exciting and not all doom and gloom.
Some of my friends are also checking in on me from time to time, which is great. I’ve never really had the time in the past to hang out with them.
I tell you what, if money wasn’t a thing, I could get used to this. I even outlined this blog, well not thus far. I’m winging it to this point.
I don’t have a short story for you this week, although I have written one. It is 25k words and it probably borders on a novella. I’m not giving that one away for free.
Financial obligations.
If you see an ad here, and I hope you do, I receive a small fee every time someone purchases via the hoplink below. I don’t control them, so I apologise if it’s something random like fertility pills or pool cleaners.
https://a8c84yzzehv6m6sddko9k9-wc8.hop.clickbank.net/
Also, I appreciate the one off patrons that donated to Patreon, but I’d rather have you sign up and donate on a Monthly basis.
Instead of $20, how about $1 for 20 months. It makes my content more visible if I have signed on Patrons. Plus I’m not limited by advertising on there, so I can call a spade a spade on there.
https://www.patreon.com/Blacksheepwriting?fan_landing=true
My podcast is on the way, I’m just waiting on some gear and practicing and trialling some editing software. I reckon two or three weeks and it’s a go.
Right…
I have never had an issue finding inspiration in the work of others, and I do have a select few individuals in this world that inspire me.
They inspire me not to aspire for me to be like them, they inspire me to be myself. Because the one thing that all of them have in common, is that they have nothing in common.
Number one every single time is always the legend himself Mr Nelson Mandela.
I know that he isn’t the class favourite, but that man’s level of forgiveness is undeniable. Whatever happened after his tenure as the leader of South Africa, Madiba definitely forgave and forgot, even though he was jailed and tortured for the whole duration of the best years of his life.
Then I have Charles Bukowski.
The mad bastard who lost himself before he could find himself. He worked a nine to five until he was 48 years old and decided to just drop everything so that he could write his first book. He was 50 when he published his first book called The Post Office. On the dedication page of the book, he simply wrote ‘Dedicated to no-one’.
His tombstone reads ‘Don’t try’, because he knew that when you force your artistic expression, it usually turns out contrived.
In my garage I have the classic picture of Che Guevara.
The Argentine Revolutionary who fought for the freedom of Cuba. A man who was occasionally brutal, but was always committed to his cause. This has very little to do with his ideals as many of the things he did in his life I don’t agree with, but I totally admire the man’s conviction.
Malala Yousafzai.
If you’ve never heard of her, she took a bullet to face from the Taliban because she refused to not go to school while she was living in Pakistan.
The bullet didn’t kill her, but it sure drove her to be one of the strongest living legends of the feminist movement. As a father of two girls, I’m a big fan of the feminist movement.
I’ve never met any of these folks I’ve mentioned above, but I have met the latest addition to my list. I added him today.
My Dad is the loveliest man you’ll ever meet. He is kind and funny and smart, but he is undoubtedly a cynic, same as me.
When Siya Kolisi was made captain of the Springboks, my Dad told me that the only reason he was made captain was because he was black. I believed him, I never rated SIya very highly myself.
I’m not a rugby expert by any stretch of the imagination, and like many rugby supporters, I tend to only notice the players who score the points or have a big sense of entertainment value. Percy’s hair, Habana’s pace, Savea’s goggles, things like this.
Even after Siya lifted the trophy at the World Cup, I doubted the man. I was happy that my country won, but the impact of that man didn’t resonate with me until today.
When I met Siya about 3 years ago, I shook his hand. He seemed more happy to meet me than what I was to meet him, I only went to see them so I could take my kids. We were outside the Stormers training ground here in Auckland.
I don’t get starstruck at all, I have met people way more famous than him in my life. People like Ewan Mcgregor and Robbie Williams, but Sia did seem a bit special if I think back on it now.
He wasn’t that much bigger than me, but he did seem to take up a little bit more space. It felt like he was taking up at least an extra foot each way around himself.
I wonder if this is what larger than life means?
Anyway, the world was obsessed with his background after we won the World Cup, the whole world besides South Africans of course. His story, although unapologetically tragic, is a common one. I can give you at least ten people I know personally who share his story. Child of a teenage mum, growing up in poverty, having to walk to school barefoot. This narrative is all too common for black South Africans. I could also jump on that train too if I wanted to.
So when I go deep, I go deep.
After watching countless interviews and highlights of the man over the last two days, I have since changed my opinion of him.
I think the thing that makes Sia great is his humility.
British Theologian S.S. Lewis said it best “Humility is not about thinking less of yourself, it’s thinking about yourself less.”
Kolisi encapsulates this, I heard that quote years ago, but it came back to me when I was watching his post WC interviews.
In one interview he is asked by a journalist about his journey, but in a surprise move that was prime bait for some lachrymose sentimentality, he chose to talk about the struggles and challenges that faced some other teammates and people. He spoke about how Kolbe was told he was too small for rugby and about how Francois Louw came from such a prestigious rugby family and all the pressures that came with that.
He could’ve eaten that question alive, but Sia acknowledged that every single person has a struggle, and just because someone else has challenges that are bigger than yours, it doesn’t make yours any less challenging.
This has nothing to do with how good he is at rugby, and like Sia, I also bring a lot of who I am to my job.
My lack of employment is riddled with this shit, and I know that people are only trying to help.
I definitely am struggling with the uncertainty of my financial situation, and the most common advice I am getting is not even advice.
People think that me hearing their issues is somehow meant to make me feel better and as much as I am staying positive and finding things to do, I do need someone to acknowledge that my situation is pretty crappy.
I am waking up with a new found optimism though.
My recent bifurcation from my employment sees me standing at a junction that I am all too familiar with.
I am extremely proactive and ambitious, so my choices have always been half chance, but the difference now, is that this one was forced on me. However, I do feel that if I can somehow find the equanimity of my ego, I can make a success of this situation. By success I mean something that I can do so I can have more moments of happiness, I’m well aware that perpetual happiness does not exist.
Sia must have a massive ego. You need an ego to play sport, you need an ego to write, to survive in Western Capitalist Society, you need an ego for everything. The key is to harness that ego. Sia Kolisi has harnessed his ego, and has used it to his advantage.
My ego has been really fucking with me for a very long time.
Some days I will wake up feeling like Brock Lesner, I feel that I can conquer anything, I ride like Rossi on those days. But other days I feel like I can’t get out of bed, I can’t write, and simply talking to someone is an arduous task.
Both of these are signs of a fragile ego.
One is a delusion of grandeur, and the other is a delusion of insignificance and both of these require an audience. One is so you can dominate and the other one is so you can submit.
Spending time on my own has revealed this to me, and without an audience, there is no place for ego, so instead I have become introspective. And without judgement I soon discovered where your ego is at and I’ve become conscious of how I can keep it in check.
Being a creative cunt, I will use personification of how I want my ego to be.
Use your imagination please.
I was meant to ride today, that was my plan, but it is dark and gloomy outside and it might rain.
So for the sake of a smart analogy, I will personify the sky.
When it’s a great day and the sky is clear and bright and you can see for miles, maybe chuck a rainbow in there too. There is no doubt that the sky will be saying “Look at how clear I am today you pricks, appreciate me.”
But if you have flown in a plane before and you went above the clouds, even on a grim day, the sky is still brilliant blue. The sky knows that the clouds are only temporary and it does not give a fuck about how it looks in that moment. The sky knows that the moving clouds will pass at some point and he/she will have the opportunity to reveal its true self again.
Consistent.
I can’t wait to apply my new thinking to the real world, I know that it works. I have found evidence.
So whether I get a job with a company or whether I end up making a success of my creative career, I don’t think it makes a difference.
My skills and experience does not dictate what job I do, it dictates how I do my job.
Welcome to my Wall of Heroes Sia, you inspirational boy.
